Weekly, my husband and/or I are
dragged into a conversation that goes like this. Sometimes it happens after being
seen playing with or talking to a child at church or in our family. Sometimes,
it’s from someone just standing in my office doorway while I should be writing
a sermon.
“When are
you going to have a kid of your own?”
Never. It’s
irresponsible for me to bring another life into the world right now…and maybe
ever. “Um, someday, maybe, we’ll
adopt a child.”
“There’s
never a good time, you know.”
No. But,
especially not when you’re drowning in $200,000 of student loans, a $1700
rental payment, a $400 car payment, your vehicle doesn’t run right now, you are
both on-call 24/7 and work 50+ hours a week, you have precisely four weekends a
year in which you might be able to take short trip or attend a tournament or
contest for school. We hardly have time enough to even make a child! Why are
you so interested in my sexual habits and life. It’s NUNYA BIZNESS! Oh, yes, I
ought to respond. “It’s complicated. Now is not the time.”
“Well,
don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Too late?
There will be a shortage of children whose parents cannot care for them in the
future who cannot be fostered or adopted? IF that’s the case, you—who last week
called me too young for my job—think my ovaries are older than I am? “Oh, would you look at the time, I have a meeting! See
you Sunday!”
I have an
innate need to justify things. My mind is always explaining why a situation
happens or why I choose what I choose. It’s just how my mind works. It makes
for some creative stories. But, my answer to this particular question is one I
rarely justify to anyone except closest family and friends. When these
situations happen, I try to not explain myself, because I should not have to,
but also because I’m afraid I’m going to just be a major asshole to the
offender...and that’s not pastoral. Prophetic? Maybe. Effective in teaching or
making a point? Sure. But, not pastoral.
As I share this with you, please
understand these are givens in my mind, these are realities:
1. My reasons for not bearing children are not everyone’s
reasons for not bearing children.
2. Though I believe that adoption is the best stewardship
of God’s creation, it may not be the right option, or even an option, for you
or someone else.
3. Child-bearing isn’t bad. It’s a part of creation and
I’m pretty glad my own parents and my husband’s parents opted for it.
Those realities stated, I feel
offended, disrespected, and devalued for all that I actually am and want to be when I’m asked about when I’m going to have
“one of my own.” And, here’s why…
First, I don’t understand any child
to be “my own.” As a pastor I hear, read, and preach that nothing belongs to us. Everything
is created by God and belongs to God. We are that creation and stewards of that
creation—plants, animals, earth, waters, and people. Even more, in baptism we celebrate the Spirit which
descended on Jesus and for us all calling us each God’s beloved. I will never have “one of my own.” I will always be
deeply intertwined with God’s creation. Every person will always be my brother
or sister by creation and in Christ. Theology tells me that living with or for another person
isn’t about ownership, it’s a relationship.
Secondly, do you think that I might not want to bear a child? I know, I’m a
woman—breasts, hips, PMS, and all—but, I’m also a daughter, wife, sister,
auntie, and pastor. I have many other commitments and desires for my life. I
also have asthma, a heart that sometimes beats funky, a perpetual kink in my
neck, and wicked high cholesterol. That stuff already prevents me from doing
things which renew my spirit like hiking, climbing, snowboarding, and even
pottery. Can you imagine what a big belly and swollen feet would add to that?
Not much renewal for this weary pastor which would mean some really tough days
reigning in resentment to be the family-member
and worker I already am. Plus, I already eat like a 14-year-old boy. I
can’t afford to eat for another person, too. My point: I don’t want to be pregnant—not now, maybe not ever.
Moreover, I feel that it is
irresponsible for me to bring another child into this world while I’m
surrounded by so many of God’s beloved children who wait and long for family in
the foster- and adoption-care systems. These are children who deserve love. Who
should not be adopted because a person or couple can’t have one of their own. Who should be adopted into a family
because they deserve love and life and
because a person or family has that to share. In my mind, these are
children—people—not the crumbs at
the bottom of the Pringles can that you scrounge up because there are no whole
chips left. (No offense to chip crumb eaters...I devour those crumbs as if I'll never eat another chip again! Also, there are many people who cannot physically bear children who raise them beautifully and wonderfully never allowing their child to think s/he's second-best, and thanks be to God for you!)
Sometimes another question pops up,
when I actually engage in conversation about becoming a parent, “Don’t you want
to leave a piece of you, someone to look like you?” The answer is, NO! I don’t need a person to
look like me—though, they’d be pretty lucky to—in order to love them. I don’t
need my DNA to be in another person to leave a mark on the world. And, I don’t
think it’s my call to leave my mark
on the world so much as it is my call to share the gospel with the world.
That’s all evidenced by the fact
that I work with a congregation of people who look very little like me. And, I
love them, or I wouldn’t be there because being a pastor ain’t easy. I’ve
gathered my share of that $200,000 debt to be with them, I’ve rented a small
house in an expensive metro-area in order to serve with them in their
community, and I have stayed with them because I believe all of God’s children
deserve love and life. Not just those who
are cute and cuddly and look like me.
So, why
don’t my husband and I just adopt a kid now? That debt. The entirety of my paycheck goes toward student
loans. And the majority of those payments goes to the interest on student loans,
so those are going to be around for awhile. My husband and I work crazy hours
to pay back those loans. And because we are called to life in community, too.
We work because we have gifts to help particular organizations and people and,
by God, we think it’s important to do that. Crazy, right? We also have
professional goals and dreams. We see these gifts taking us to other callings,
in other places. And, I believe that
God’s love for us does not culminate in our being parents. I think we’re a
pretty great family together, the two of us. We love each other. We even like
each other most days!
That God called the two of us
together is a blessing. This story is mine and he is part of it and I wouldn’t
be writing this if we weren’t on the same page in this book of life. Frankly, we wouldn’t be husband and wife if
we weren’t on the same page. We probably
have some different ways of talking about our desire to someday be parents or
not be parents. We probably have some similar and some different feelings about
these discussions in which people prod into our personal life. And, if the
goalie broke and a leg we had an “oops,” then, you know, I guess there would be a new
person in the world to love and we’d figure it out. But that’s still none of your
business unless we choose to share it.
That’s my personal story. That’s
why I do not want a baby to be in me or
to come out of me! For someone to assume that I do, to expect me to want
that, to tell me that I should want
that is hurtful. It denies my personhood. It denies the things that God has created me to be and do! Bearing a child may be or may have been what you are created for and I celebrate
that. I give thanks to God for that! It’s amazing, for real! But, I’m not you
and I’m not your wife. You are not my husband and you are not his wife. So,
yeah, not your business. Now, if you wanna talk about scripture, about
theology, about how to love our neighbors, let’s have that discussion instead.
